Friday, 30 July 2010

Broken Crystal

I notice that I wrote my last entry on Sunday 25th July and without trying to give excuses for what I said I do have to explain the reasons for it. That day was the anniversary of the best friend I've ever had committing suicide. It's been three years but it is still exceptionally raw and painful. I spent the whole of Saturday and Sunday consumed with a mixture of grief and utter guilt. I ended up totally distraught and I honestly thought that the pain would never end.

To be honest, I'm still not back to my usual self. This week has been horrendous for other reasons and it has caused me to start questioning everything. Things that I thought were certain and that I thought I had managed to reconcile within myself have been thrown into the air and shattered into 1000 pieces.

I've written about Dad before, about how he has been my rock, carer, confidant. How he's stuck with me through the stupid, reckless, heartbreaking. His unconditional love and his calm and loving reading of bedtime stories, making up animal noises for when he wiped my ears with a cloth at my bathtime. This giant of a man who gave so much to so many people, not least his family and clients at work. A survivor of a ruptured Aortic Aneurysm 40miles from hospital in the middle of the night. They called him Lazarus and a Walking Miracle. Well they might, the 13th anniversary of his surgery passed last week.

I just call him Dad.

On Wednesday I learned that my wonderful, loving, gentle Dad is going through a horrible and rapid onset of Dementia.

He has fixed me up over the years, washed grazed knees and done so much more. I've done similar for him a few times. The hardest part now is knowing that there's no way I can do anything to fix this. He is changing right before my eyes, it's as if someone has given him a personality and memory transplant.

I'm not prepared for this. I've always known that as a very late baby I would lose Dad and I've prepared myself for that. But I've never factored in this, I thought death would take him before his mind started wearing out. I wish I had been right.

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