I Wonder If...

I wonder if anyone will read this. I wonder if anyone remembers I exist. I wonder if anyone will care. I have been led to wonder a lot of things over the past few months. Life makes me confused. Events that I can't begin to understand have occurred and left me feeling bereft, frightened and alone.

I have deliberately, methodically and completely intentionally removed some people from my life. They were doing me no good, in fact I think one of them in particular was doing me harm. So, no more contact. Which is strange and yet freeing at the same time. I have allowed myself to be used as a personal bank, agony aunt, sounding board, psychologist.....and if I need someone I look around and find myself alone. No more. I had to set myself free, I had to get a second mobile phone because I was feeling unable to cope with having my main number available to all and sundry 24/7 but was scared to switch it off. Ridiculous.

So, the past few months. Arguments between my medical team about treatment options for my brain tumour. A death in the family which has rocked things to the core. Mental health has been surprisingly stable given that I've been taken off all medication and quite a lot of shit has happened. Been dumped by a couple of people I thought were friends but have survived and realised that I can't change who I am just to suit others.


Why then. Why. Why am I finding it so hard? Deep inside I am screaming out in pain and anguish because things hurt so much. I accept that I'm not the best of people, I make mistakes, I'm not perfect...I accept that, essentially, I am nothing. I am worthless. I give zero, do zero, achieve zero. I let people down. I'm flawed. I'm unpopular, I'm intrinsically wasteful. I offer nothing. I fear commitment. I relish opportunity yet waste it when it's given.

I love. I feel. I care. I think. I listen.


I look around and I have no-one. It's my own doing because I am me. But I can't change my core, only the outward appearance. But I can't change that because I can't bring myself to live a lie.


What is it that I am afraid of. I can answer that in one word.

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Please Remove The Batteries

I need to be asleep right now. Obviously I am not or I wouldn't be writing this. Tomorrow is going to be a pivotal day for me and although I'm not really all that worried about what's going to happen I suppose that it's natural to be apprehensive.

I'm not a fan of hospitals, being a patient is slightly preferable to being a visitor because at least that way I can pretend to be asleep so I get left alone. I have to go to hospital tomorrow (today) for a test to be carried out. It's my 2nd attempt to get this procedure done, the first attempt was a disaster.

I'm not scared of the test, the drugs I'll need to have, the results or even the potential treatments if things are not as they should be. No, none of that worries me. I suppose I have a slightly Kamikaze approach to life which probably stems from not really caring about what happens to me. I had major surgery a couple of years ago and I just didn't care.

The thing keeping me awake right now is other people.

Four friends said that they would see/speak to me today (yesterday) in anticipation of this investigation getting done. One came to see me, one called me up, two essentially told me to ^")£!! off. I can't be bothered with that kind of crap, if you say you'll do something then do it and if you say you're going to but have no intention of doing so then don't pretend.

There's a FaceBook group called; "Oh I'm Sorry, I Forgot. I Only Exist To You When You Need Something From Me" and that pretty much sums up 99% of the relationships that I have with people. They contact me when they want someone to listen, need to 'borrow' money, think I could offer them some sort of help/advice.....then vanish like a burst bubble when they've got what they want for the time being. Meanwhile, I am basically left with no-one.

Now, I know that sounds incredibly self-centred and 'woe is me' or even attention seeky. It is, however, a statement of fact.

Part of the problem is that I hate bothering people with my stuff, I'd far rather listen than talk. I get bored of listening to myself inside my own head so why would I inflict that on someone else? So I withdraw, shut myself away and generally try to disappear. Then I get told not to do that and I should be reaching out for support. I can't win.

Truth is, I hate being me. I've always known, from being a tiny child, that I am worth nothing. One parent validated me, loved me, cared for me. The other abused me, hated me, tortured me. I am not what one of my parents wanted. No matter what I did, how much I achieved or how hard I tried to please, it was never going to be enough.

The evening before I had my major surgery the parent in question came to my bedside (i had specifically said no visitors). I don't know how they knew where I was, which hospital, what ward I was in...they stood there at the foot of my bed and said; "I only came for myself, I never came for you. What would people think if I hadn't come to see you and you die." Just before they walked in I had got a message saying they were on their way. I was hooked up to a machine to measure my BP, Sats and stuff. It went totally crazy when I heard this parent was coming. Classic fear response, I was experiencing the whole fight/flight thing.

My other parent did as I asked and stayed at home. We talked by phone and it was very calm and loving conversation.



If you're reading this I wonder what you're thinking. You might be thinking that I'm an ungrateful brat who should appreciate what they've got. You might be wondering why one of my parents detested me so much. You probably have a belief in your mind about which parent it was who rejected and abused me. You might consider that my physical reaction to the news of the imminent arrival of a parent was extreme and that I faked it. I wish I knew what you are thinking.




So, I'll tell you the answers and let you make your own mind up.

People often say that I'm too grateful. That I thank them when it's not needed.

My parent didn't want me because I was a totally ordinary child. They were hoping that I would be born with Regular Trisomy 21. The disappointment that I was completely healthy meant that they rejected me on the spot. No attachment was ever formed. They wanted a child who would gain them special attention, praise for being so caring, lots of medical appointments and other professional involvement. Like my surgery; "I only wanted you for me, what would people think if I never looked after my child with that condition." Is what I imagine would have been thought if never said.

If you're thinking that it was Dad who rejected and abused me, you're wrong. He was both parents to me, did all the caring/bathing/reading bedtime stories/playing with me in parks/taking me on walks etc etc etc. The other one just lived in the same house as us and made our lives a miserable living hell. To the outside world she was kind and a true Christian lady. Behind closed doors she was a manipulative figure of terror. She wanted a child with Down's Syndrome so that I would be always under her control, no threat to her either intellectually or socially. She wanted the attention that parents of special children get. Then she ended up with me.

I never faked the reaction that I had to the news that she was going to be arriving at my hospital bedside. The machine had been happily measuring my vital signs for the entire afternoon and never particularly showed anything other than normal levels. It only went off on one the moment I was told she was coming. I wouldn't know how to fake that, surely you can't deliberately make a machine like that respond in a certain way?



I wish I knew what you are thinking now.
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