I Wonder If...

I wonder if anyone will read this. I wonder if anyone remembers I exist. I wonder if anyone will care. I have been led to wonder a lot of things over the past few months. Life makes me confused. Events that I can't begin to understand have occurred and left me feeling bereft, frightened and alone.

I have deliberately, methodically and completely intentionally removed some people from my life. They were doing me no good, in fact I think one of them in particular was doing me harm. So, no more contact. Which is strange and yet freeing at the same time. I have allowed myself to be used as a personal bank, agony aunt, sounding board, psychologist.....and if I need someone I look around and find myself alone. No more. I had to set myself free, I had to get a second mobile phone because I was feeling unable to cope with having my main number available to all and sundry 24/7 but was scared to switch it off. Ridiculous.

So, the past few months. Arguments between my medical team about treatment options for my brain tumour. A death in the family which has rocked things to the core. Mental health has been surprisingly stable given that I've been taken off all medication and quite a lot of shit has happened. Been dumped by a couple of people I thought were friends but have survived and realised that I can't change who I am just to suit others.


Why then. Why. Why am I finding it so hard? Deep inside I am screaming out in pain and anguish because things hurt so much. I accept that I'm not the best of people, I make mistakes, I'm not perfect...I accept that, essentially, I am nothing. I am worthless. I give zero, do zero, achieve zero. I let people down. I'm flawed. I'm unpopular, I'm intrinsically wasteful. I offer nothing. I fear commitment. I relish opportunity yet waste it when it's given.

I love. I feel. I care. I think. I listen.


I look around and I have no-one. It's my own doing because I am me. But I can't change my core, only the outward appearance. But I can't change that because I can't bring myself to live a lie.


What is it that I am afraid of. I can answer that in one word.

Life. Read more!

So Long Since Then

I desperately need to write an update and not only to let out the stuff that I've been burying over the past months since I last wrote. I'll try and do that soon. Read more!

Broken Crystal

I notice that I wrote my last entry on Sunday 25th July and without trying to give excuses for what I said I do have to explain the reasons for it. That day was the anniversary of the best friend I've ever had committing suicide. It's been three years but it is still exceptionally raw and painful. I spent the whole of Saturday and Sunday consumed with a mixture of grief and utter guilt. I ended up totally distraught and I honestly thought that the pain would never end.

To be honest, I'm still not back to my usual self. This week has been horrendous for other reasons and it has caused me to start questioning everything. Things that I thought were certain and that I thought I had managed to reconcile within myself have been thrown into the air and shattered into 1000 pieces.

I've written about Dad before, about how he has been my rock, carer, confidant. How he's stuck with me through the stupid, reckless, heartbreaking. His unconditional love and his calm and loving reading of bedtime stories, making up animal noises for when he wiped my ears with a cloth at my bathtime. This giant of a man who gave so much to so many people, not least his family and clients at work. A survivor of a ruptured Aortic Aneurysm 40miles from hospital in the middle of the night. They called him Lazarus and a Walking Miracle. Well they might, the 13th anniversary of his surgery passed last week.

I just call him Dad.

On Wednesday I learned that my wonderful, loving, gentle Dad is going through a horrible and rapid onset of Dementia.

He has fixed me up over the years, washed grazed knees and done so much more. I've done similar for him a few times. The hardest part now is knowing that there's no way I can do anything to fix this. He is changing right before my eyes, it's as if someone has given him a personality and memory transplant.

I'm not prepared for this. I've always known that as a very late baby I would lose Dad and I've prepared myself for that. But I've never factored in this, I thought death would take him before his mind started wearing out. I wish I had been right.
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Blasts From The Past

Can I just start by saying "thank you" for the comments that have been left on my witterings so far? I logged in this evening and saw that comments have been left and to be honest it sort of made my day:)

My blast from the past for today is a new Soda Stream machine being advertised on television. Having been a child when the original soda stream was all the rage I find myself wondering whether this brand spanking new one will live up to my fond memories of the original. I shouldn't have thought I'll be buying one, I'm really not into kitchen gadgets but if anyone I know happens to invest then I'll be trying it out for comparison. Apparently, it was the herald of the soda stream entering my childhood residence that accounted for my first ever dental filling. What a legacy!

There are loads of things from my childhood era that I would love to make a come-back. Not so much the TV programmes or cartoons - I have a lot of DVD/videos of those but mainly toys and games.

For example, Big Yellow Teapot. My friend had one of those and I coveted it. However I had a Lights Alive and she coveted that so we were even. Another favourite of mine was the Space Ball, I had hours of practice in on my one and could easily (and happily) bounce my way around places. Coming in close was my Roller Boots. It was very much a case of "have boots, will travel".

While I'm on the travel theme I really have to mention bikes. For me and my peers that was our main mode of transport. My best childhood friend had a BMX and it was fantastic his was like the one in the picture there that has plastic in place of spokes. I had various hand-me-down bikes then got my very own brand new Mountain Bike (can't find a good link). It had 5 gears and I thought it was the best present ever. Another friend used to collect Choppers, that was when we got a bit older (not necessarily wiser).

Lego was a firm favourite and lots of happy times were found in the bottom of the lego storage crates of me and my best friend. My friend had the Lights and Sound lego which I was never allowed to get but I had the Space sets which he wasn't allowed to get. My total inability to do jigsaws was what led to lego entering my life and I never looked back.



I could just go on and on and on but I feel that I should quit while I'm ahead. Just before I do sign off I'm just going to mention a few 'fashion disasters' that may have occurred.

Somewhere there is in existence a photograph of me taken in around 1987. In that picture I am wearing jeans, tie-die tee shirt and white/green trainers with neon laces that were two different colours. Nice! Of course I also did the Bermuda Shorts (no good image of those either), Shell Suits and baseball caps thing. But some things are better to be left under a thick layer of dust in an attic.
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