I wonder if anyone will read this. I wonder if anyone remembers I exist. I wonder if anyone will care. I have been led to wonder a lot of things over the past few months. Life makes me confused. Events that I can't begin to understand have occurred and left me feeling bereft, frightened and alone.
I have deliberately, methodically and completely intentionally removed some people from my life. They were doing me no good, in fact I think one of them in particular was doing me harm. So, no more contact. Which is strange and yet freeing at the same time. I have allowed myself to be used as a personal bank, agony aunt, sounding board, psychologist.....and if I need someone I look around and find myself alone. No more. I had to set myself free, I had to get a second mobile phone because I was feeling unable to cope with having my main number available to all and sundry 24/7 but was scared to switch it off. Ridiculous.
So, the past few months. Arguments between my medical team about treatment options for my brain tumour. A death in the family which has rocked things to the core. Mental health has been surprisingly stable given that I've been taken off all medication and quite a lot of shit has happened. Been dumped by a couple of people I thought were friends but have survived and realised that I can't change who I am just to suit others.
Why then. Why. Why am I finding it so hard? Deep inside I am screaming out in pain and anguish because things hurt so much. I accept that I'm not the best of people, I make mistakes, I'm not perfect...I accept that, essentially, I am nothing. I am worthless. I give zero, do zero, achieve zero. I let people down. I'm flawed. I'm unpopular, I'm intrinsically wasteful. I offer nothing. I fear commitment. I relish opportunity yet waste it when it's given.
I love. I feel. I care. I think. I listen.
I look around and I have no-one. It's my own doing because I am me. But I can't change my core, only the outward appearance. But I can't change that because I can't bring myself to live a lie.
What is it that I am afraid of. I can answer that in one word.
Life.
Dear Infinite_Galaxy - I have read through your comments with great sadness but enormous empathy for you and your situation.
ReplyDeleteI too had a rubbish mother.... as a result I was clinically depressed from teenage through to now (mid 40's). I didn't get treated until early 30's due to GPs not recognising my depression.
Do not allow your mother to undermine you. I am better off without my mother now I have cut all contact with her.
My past has defined so much of my life - the choices that I made - and I have missed out on so much.... however, I now have 2 lively little boys and can work on being the best mother I can for them.
I cannot help thinking what made your mother the person she is - what happened in her life that meant she became such an inadequate parent? Clearly she has issues - where did they come from?
Concentrate on looking after you - send all the rubbish back to where it came. Don't listen to it. You are not a rubblish person - you have incredible courage and insight - you have what she doesn't...
I know it is hard, I am there too. I struggle with it, although I am learning to identify where the thoughts come from and am trying to make sense of them. I have an incredible sense of anger and injustice at times. Although I know on rational level I cannot do anything about the past or what has happened, I find this concept very hard to accept. I can change myself, but I cannot change my mother - she is beyond change - doesn't recognise that she needs to which is a huge failing on her part.
Stick with it - don't accept the crap that she dishes out. Send it back, don't go there. Look forward, find passion in life somewhere else. We'll get there - it won't be easy - but we can both do it.
Sending you positive thoughts and very best wishes
XOXO
I still care, and want to know how you are doing...
ReplyDeleteI can't believe someone from The Planets still remembers me! It's been ages - too long.
DeleteI have been getting steadily more unwell and I'm just waiting for a course of radiotherapy to begin to try and beat the brain tumour once and for all.
Aside from that I'm generally ok, I've got a new man in my life and he's awesome. Black, fluffy, four legs, tail & full of fun. His name is Danté and he's almost 15mths old. I thought very long and hard before committing to another dog but over the course of a few months and after lots of conversations with friends I finally made the decision and don't regret it for a second.
I hope you're ok, I shall try to update this blog periodically.
Thanks for thinking of me xxxx
"I am worthless. I give zero, do zero, achieve zero. I let people down. I'm flawed. I'm unpopular, I'm intrinsically wasteful. I offer nothing. I fear commitment. I relish opportunity yet waste it when it's given.
ReplyDeleteI love. I feel. I care. I think. I listen."
You can love a dog - that in itself is proof you are not worthless. Start loving yourself and stop blaming yourself for not being perfect, none of us are.